Side Effects of Coffee
Well, I'm writing this tonight due to my abusive behavior. Specifically, I drank a cup after my self imposed limit of not drinking any after 5:30 PM, although drinking coffee just before beddy-bye time doesn't seem to affect me.
I also noticed a former co-worker of mine has left a couple of comments, and I'm not even certain I ever told him of this blog. I would merely request that too much information about me be withheld for the prevention of identity theft. :) As if anyone would want my identity. I must sound preposterous.
I rather enjoy who I am, but I think it would drive anyone else insane. I passed that point long ago. Its hard enough going through life figuring out who I am moment to moment. I think if anyone else were to somehow experience being me, they would be very confused with my confusion, and likely would be confused by how those things with which I am sure of, are incorrect. I find that it requires a constant struggle to pay attention to who I am and how I feel. I only do this because it was recommended to me to do. And it works. I am so much more in touch with myself, since I learned this. Of course it wasn't anyone in my family or even from my childhood who taught it to me. It also has prevented a lot of anger in me, something which was taught to me by family, whether intentional or not, definitely by example.
So, let me tell you about my new job. It pays a decent rate. It is at a business where I think I will be able to learn a lot. And there seems to be a lot of very nice people, which I find to be the best part of it. I think its going to be super. Life sometimes takes a turn for the better. Just like me, it has to make the wrong turn once in a while.
Sometimes you can take a trip to a destination, and miss everything in between. Sometimes a walk to someplace close reveals things you passed up for years.
Sometimes you just sit around and read the ramblings of a mad man. Like now.
Its not the destination, its the journey that counts. Sometimes its the people at the end of the journey.
posted by Charles @ 10:44 PM
Comments: 14 <-<<Add One!
14 Comments:
Hey Charles!!!!...YIPPPPPIEEEE once again[ & do not judge me for overdoing it, because this is a strongest & the most tirumphiant(My guess was right you see) & happiest of all the other yippies that preceeded it]I am so glad about the job!
& you need not be afraid of identity threats as far as you are concerned, for ppl like you, the more you share, the more you grow.
& then again, you need not be confused about who you are, because Life & all living creatures are in a constant flux...as they put it, the only permanant thing in Life is 'Change'.One moment you are there, the other moment you are not.Life is like a river, constantly flowing to remain ever fresh...otherwise you will stagnate like still water & rot.
So by the time you utter 'yippiee', too much water has already gone down the river...
& do not think its just for you that life takes a wrong turn once a while. It is true for the entire humanity. After all, you learn from your mistakes & if you havent knocked a few wrong doors, how are you going to [ excuse my saying so] 'Judge', which one is the right for you?Life cannot be a theory because it is not closed; it is infinite & vast...its a parable...
& yes, you are so right when you say its not the destination but the journey that counts.The goal always takes care of itself, if you know the way, you know the goal, because the goal does not lie at the end of the way, but is present all along the way. To be on the way, is to be at the goal..
As for calling yourself madman...I think, it is better t be unique & mad than to be sane & a conformist. By taking the challange of disorder & living it,even if it means living dangerously, an order will arise in you, an order from chaos & not from set patterns. And it is only from chaos, that the stars are born...
This was a very inspiring read. I am glad to know that you feel this way. Although I never heard it said as you say, life "requires a constant struggle to pay attention to who I am and how I feel," I find this to be true. I believe that this tactic laid out so plainly will assist me in learning who I am or will be. Thanks for the blog!
Love you,
Sarah
Yes, initially it is a "constant struggle" as you put it. But it need not be so always.You can make it a discipline of your Life.& it is called Awareness.Awareness has to be learned within. When you awake inside yourself, you awake to the whole world, to the whole existence. Suddenly shrouds fall, your eyes are receptive & you See.You dont project or interpret, you just see...
& then in your different moods you become watchful. When you are sad you watch. When happy- watch,when indifferent- watch, in hope or in hopelessness just watch, in desire, in frustrations...keep watching...in all your colours, in isolation,in a crowd..
Watch how you change, where you change..even when you are ready to go to bed, to fall asleep keep watching...
& you will experience the transformation within yourself. Nothing needs to be done...just by watching, that which disappears is a vice for you, & that which grows is a virtue....this is the only criterion, sin & virtues cannot be objectified as they are relative...
I have experience that just in such a 'watching', anger & hatred disappears& love compassion & understanding grows..all that is violent in me disappears & I feel prayer & gratitude within me grow...
In watching one is revealed & darkness disappears, darkness of anger, of jealousy, of possessiveness & you experience pirstine purity within yourself..you feel your tensions disappearing, you feel more cool, more calm & find beauty in things which you never even conceived could be beautiful.You feel that life is not a problem but a gift, a blessing, a benediction...
dizzy,
I would agree with what you have said, except for the one instance of "in hopelessness just watch". In that instance it would be reasonable to watch yourself, but imprudent to just watch. I think this would be the point of necessary action. Of course that would mean to act is to not give up, and that would imply that there is hope. I see no moment when there could be a real hopelessness. There is always the possibility of the infrequent miracle. And there is always the good in our fellow humans, who are willing to help. Even at the moment of imminent death, one can always hope for life, be it the present life, an afterlife, or a new life after reincarnation. And one can always hope for the life that others carry on, that one's existence made a difference in at least one life. For that matter, one could hope that what is left behind might help another, whether by organ transplant, learning from the death, even in the far future, by helping a some archeologist. Who can say? I hope to make a difference, in my world and the world around me. I want the world better. Maybe that will make the difference.
Charles
Charles
But dont you see? that is exactly what I am saying ...all that you have said here is exactly what you arrive at when you are 'watchful' of hopelessness.
Like you say, there is perhaps no situation when Man ever stops hoping. Perhaps to some extent you are right there.But you forget one aspect. Not all people are sane in all respects.I have seen ppl in situations where there are moments of utter dejection which becomes a repeated pattern & almost a permanant feature of their lives.For example there are farmers in my country who are extremely poor & who go to moneylenders, depending entirely on their yield of crops to repay debts, which in turn depends on various other factors like rain etc. They become submerged in debts...not only them, but the returning process continues & is 'heirarically transfred' automatically to the progeny even after their deaths & so it goes on & on for generations.This is what anyone wud call a prolonged situation of hopelessness. They hope for some hope, but it seems beyond their reach & I tell you it becomes a repeated pattern of their lives.There is a limit to how far such ppl can stretch themselves & there are cases of 'mass suicides'. Perhaps that is the ultimate point of a breakdown.
There are also ppl, strong ppl who wud fail to understand such situations, because, for every individual, the graphical representation of intelligence & emotional strength would fall on a different points.For some, it is a low tolerance level, while others , like phoenix, would rise from their ashes.
In short, it is a matter of attitude.Your attitude is positive, therefore you cannot conceive it from a negatively thinking person's point of view.
To be able to watch, one has to rise above the Self.& like you said, it is a struggle.But perseverance & repeated trail of such can make it into a discipline of life.
what I mean by watching hopelessness is, that such ppl who are utterly disillusioned can watch the entire process of their misery & arrive at the futility of clinging to misery, which will automatically lead them to look towards hope, & begin to see it just the way you describe it...
And if they do so, they will definitely arrive at hope, because after all, survival instinct is one of the basic features of Life & existence
dizzy,
Then we are indeed in agreement. I hold to the tenet, Where there is life, there is hope. I came to this conclusion several years before hearing the same idea propounded on the Sci-Fi series, Andromeda, by the Nietzscheans who are depicted as very practical and here and now people, albeit aggressive. It rings true, merely because it is. That a renowned philosopher may have come to a conclusion the same as that of myself, is quite re-affirming. I really don't know that for a fact, as I have not as yet read any of his works, despite the fact I bought the book, "Beyond Good and Evil".
Unfortunately, without lots of thought and a modicum of caring, we do seem to pass those attitudes, mistaken as they might be, to our progeny. I wish it weren't so, but it is reality. More intelligent people might come to this conclusion earlier in life, enough to make a difference in their own lives. Unfortunately, some of us are not as quick witted, but we can give our children the benefit of it. We must give our children the benefit of it, else we doom them to the existence we so despise of our own. I will continue to hope, even knowing that the Greeks hold hope as a spirit that was housed in the same Pandora's box that held all the evils that were released into the world. Like some evils, survival sometimes necessitates it, but I think some confuse what is necessary with what they merely desire.
Charles
Dear Charles
you have indeed put across some interesting points, which I wud comment upon later when I have a little more time than I have right now...
Meanwhile, if you don't mind my saying so...stop calling them by women's name[ Katrina, Rita, Whilma etc.] or like multiple ____ they will keep coming. :)
Jokes apart...it is really sad, what is happening around with such fury of forces unleashed to such an unimaginable extent...The earthquake that we had here killed millions too...
I offer my condolences to you and all the American ppl.
ps. Please dont mind about the joke...As a very Dear friend of mine puts it, the only way for humans to rise above & survive tragedies is to find humour in pain
hi charles
here I am again, to say just a few words[ although that sounds like a joke because, just as one of my friends might put it, brevity is not my forte].
First of all, I would like to thank you for putting across such noble thoughts so beautifully & simply for those who wud care to read them.For them, I do admire the enormity of your statements that are such an enriching experience for me & also sarah, who I believe is your beloved daughter.Sarah is sure one hell of a lucky girl to have a dad like you.
I agree with you about passing on the conclusions we come to in our life time to our progeny which might help them in their lives to learn something from our painful experiences, without having to repeat them. Yet I feel that there is a downside of this paradox, because it may somtime prove to be an inhibiting factor in their lives; that might cripple them from taking risks of their own & comming to independent decision making.But then I guess, if our children are capable of independent thought, that they have been brought up with an encouragement to think independently , the results, along with the set of values instilled in them can be very fruitful for them.Otherwise we will just become a crutch for them without which they will not be able to move forward...
but YOU need not bother about that, as I see that you indeed have a very intelligent daughter, as you said earlier, & I can see why you feel so proud of her...
Like you say, where there is life there is always hope.Indeed, Life is the only known miracle of existence which no one can deny. Fredrich Nietzche & co. is not only now & happening, I feel that they are still ahead of their time, very futuristic by normal standards of the present world.Some of the tremendous events they speak of, are still of their way as man still continues to divide existence into a duality of creator & creation. Perhaps, this is due to the fact that the inner world of man has not yet become a science.He is still in the process of giving the foundation & structure, & that structure is wating for humanity to come close & to understand it.& ppl who realise this truth are always ahead of their time, sometimes thousands of years ahead...
As existentialists put it, existence preceeds essence. So for what is already given [ existence] essence has to be created & every moment. The way you live, you create your essence, which in turn gives a meaning to your life.We all are a trembling possibility, with infinite future and a thousand & one alternatives. It depends on us, what we become; & every act of ours will make our life more & more meaningful.The variations in our transformation will be caused by the variety in the underlying processess that we choose from. Just like coal & diamond are basically the same substance namely carbon; it is the difference in the structure & not the basic substance that makes coal a coal & diamond a diamond.
So also, we have to ' structure' our lives...
Hope you are happy with your new job & I pray you reach new pinnacle of success & achievement in your chosen field
Best wishes
dizzy
Hey dizzy,
I don't so much object to passing on our conclusions, as I really object to passing on our emotional baggage. Yes, Sarah is my my wonderful daughter. She is and always has been my greatest blessing in my life, whether or not I might be any kind of blessing to anyone else's life, including her's, escapes me.
There are many who have passed before us, who deserve much praise they may never have received, may never receive, as there have been many who did receive praise which they did not deserve. I can think of a few who I feel deserve praise. Jesus, who died for what he believed, who taught us to live. Ghandi, who did not give in while remaining non-violent. Thomas Jefferson, who liked receiving the opposite of praise, which was probably unwitting praise of his ideals of freedom. There may be others and other reasons, but I'll leave that for later.
I'm certain there have been many parents who have resisted passing on their emotional baggage, who will never be praised, because they never told of it. My heartfelt thanks go to them. Those who have died because they did not believe in violence too, deserve thanks, but then their killers got away with it if only for a short time. That might be a questionable one.
Those who worked for the greater good, while causing no harm to do so. They deserve our praise. I likely fit somewhere between the last two at best, but perhaps not. I can only hope that what I have done is better than what was done for me, so I have been somewhat successful. Hopefully it has been.
hey charles
you are right there about the baggage.that sure wud only tantamount to transfering our negativity & anxiety to our children in some sort of a way, for surely, parents are the first role models of their children & the kids start by emulating them in some way or the other.
Anyway, I believe that only those parents who wish to emotionally blackmail their children into submission of sorts wud be the ones to transfer their emotional baggage to their kids.That wud make them very selfish parents indeed.otherwise...normally every parent wud protect their child even from the shadow of such baggage..
Cheers
I come to this post often, not so much for the post itself, as for the comment box discussion! :)
Mona,
It kind of makes you hope, doesn't it? That and provides a bit of comfort.
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